Men and Their Insanely Large Ego

Not all men have disgusting egos but oh boy here's a story for you.

Recently, a question was sent in asking about people and their ego. Specifically, how do some sons of bitches get such a big ego for no reason. Looking at the definition of "ego" it talks about one's self esteem. Now I'm making this known that everything I discuss from this point on is not dissing anyone's self love but more so self cockiness. Acting like the shit when in reality you're a terrible person with fake ego. Anyway, enjoy because this is one of my favourite stories to tell.

The Start of a Terribly Big Ego

Now sometimes in life people get hurt and thats ok. You make mistakes, get hurt and learn from them. That's just the circle of life. But, sometimes this creates insecurities which in turn creates a fucking monster dick shit face that I somehow got to meet. Obviously I am not going to out them on the internet, so lets give him a fake name to make this even funnier. So, I introduce to you, the monster dick shit face himself, Todd (I know thats a random, weird name but it had to be a name I know nobody with so they don't cry about this later). Todd, if you find this just know I wish you nothing but the best, but I also fucking hate you.

Todd went to my high school, snatched up the girl of his dreams. A humble, very sweet kid. I would never ever hear bad things about him. Me and Todd never connected until we were out of high school which is where my story starts. Superstar girlfriend ended the relationship. Shabang. Done and over. Everyone thought they were getting married (except me I didn't really give a fuck in all honesty). Now, lets think of the one thing everyone does after their heart gets shattered into a million pieces.....oh yes, time to get absolutely shredded baby. After a breakup there is literally only three different paths to recovery, heroin, black hair dye and the gym. Todd strolled on down the gym path and got pretty ripped I can't lie but you know what? He was a good guy so I was like ok go off toddy boy, until I reconnected with him and he opened his stupid fucking mouth and had to ruin it.

Nobody Cares about Your Body Count

Ok hear me out, why in the fuck do some men think we care about how many people they have slept with? Now my follow up question, why do they give me a number like 37 knowing there is a decent chance I am going to find out? Cause holy, that shit gonna make me giggle when I hear it. Answer, ego booster baby. Telling everyone how many girls they get is gonna make them feel so fucking good about themselves but like also shut the fuck up. Tell your boys about it, do your thing but I don't fucking care ok. Now Todd made sure to remind me of this about every single waking second I was around him. Let me give you a quick scenario, "hey Todd, do you want to grab food"..."I have 37 bodies, yea I'm down for food". Like ok I wanted a burrito not your bullshit body count. It was almost as if he was just trying to convince himself it was factual information just to boost this ego growing inside of him. I swear we spent hours talking (and by that I mean I sat there and listened while he told me bullshit I didn't care about). He talked about the girl he slept with at hoco, then the girl from the bar and oh she was a 10 and then it was Sara from Tinder and all of the stories were straight from a fucking movie horse shit lie so I was like damn this man has major self esteem issues! But, I sat and listened because now it makes for amazing evidence to my blog post.

All Talk, No Game

Have you ever met people in life that ALWAYS talk the talk but never fuckin walk the walk? Like, imagine someone telling you about how amazing they are at football and nobody could ever beat them because they are just the fucking shit and then you watch them play and they are not only holding the ball wrong but they get the shit kicked out of them in the first 10 seconds of being on the field. Todd here presented some huge game play. He was so good at everything. He was amazing at his job, dressed well, phenomenal in bed and oh my god was he ever good at cooking! Let me paint you a picture, Todd has a basic job, was wearing ripped skinny jeans and an extra small Guess t-shirt, was in fact terrible in bed (proven by resources, don't ask questions) and would cook rice and beef for every meal. Now, if 2+2 is 4 and 5+5 is 10, then what the fuck is this? Todd lied, Todd wanted to feel better about himself. Now if he was a nice person, I would laugh and move on with my life but Todd decided to talk shit so now it's just a good story to tell to my viewers. His ego was so big that when in this position he couldn't do anything he said he could and how did he recover from this terrible embarrassment? He talked shit. Tried to make miss girl feel bad. So here I am.

The Hangout

Without failure, he made sure every single hangout was filled with discussion about him. No questions about you or your life and if you were a part of the conversation, you were given a character cap like on fucking twitter. You get 15 seconds, maximum 10 word and Todd gets 4 hours. Bon Appetite. Guess what the best part of this whole thing was? He showed me his favourite song. It was Rosy in by Bon Iver. If you don't know it, look it up. He was so serious. Nothing like driving around for hours listening to depressing music and listening to stories about all the girls he fucked and how they are soooooo obsessed with him and his "naturally curly hair" (we have seen your moms Instagram Todd. Don't lie. You paid some poor girl named Laura to put those curls there so you could look like 1998 Justin Timberlake). That was a low blow but it had to be done. I'm so not sorry. NSYNC newest band member, surprise it's fucking Todd.

How to Avoid People Like Todd and Possibly Drive Them Nuts

First of all, notice the signs. If he's looking in every mirror he passes, run. If he sends you snaps with his shirt off, muscles flexed and captions it "ugh I'm getting so fat", fucking RUN. That man has some serious issues he needs to sort out and should not include any attention from a goddess like you. Once I realized that Todd was highly self obsessed with some major self esteem issues, sending me photos of his biceps 50 times a day, I had to get out but I also needed to drive him crazy in the process. So, here's what you do. First of all, answer his dumbass 3 times a day at most because for men like this, that shit is gonna sting. Maybe ask him if his friend is single (that might hurt but meh who cares). Slowly but surely you can fade him out OR you can boss up and literally just ghost the fuck out of him which is even better. Moral of the story here, remember if you ever come across a man like this, he is most likely just a tiny penis with weak dick game who has nothing better to do than talk about how amazing he is and hit on mediocre strangers on Tinder. The, when the embarrassment rises and he tries to talk shit, write a blog and expose him online! Anyway, thank you so much for coming to my Ted Talk and remember, avoid Todd at all costs!